My other blog.

My other blog.

WordPress, I think I’ve found a lay out that has tickled my artistic fancy a little more so I’ve started using that. If you’d like you can check out my blog on the link provided. I love the simple design. Couldn’t resist.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow/Simple Gifts

The winter season is coming soon to an end and no matter how much I love the beauty snow brings to my little town it’s almost that time where I’m beginning to crave sun and warmth. Ah, well…in the meantime I’ll just watch this video and imagine walking around in my bare feet and sinking my toes into wet sand. Aaaaah.

lack of vision

these days i find myself thinking just a little bit more like rory gilmore. i decided to make a pros and cons list today and i find myself doing it in my head with different things lately.

but sometimes it really does help. things getting so unbelievably muddled up there in my brain and the only way to keep myself from exploding is taking the mess of thoughts i have and emptying them onto a piece of paper. it really can be very helpful. it takes something soooo small that can become soooo huge and makes it a little less crazy and hazey.

i’m a confused girl. there’s no doubt about it. i’m a little tired of thinking that everything isn’t that bad and i’m doing okay. i mean, it’s true it’s not the end of the world. but it’s time i address a thing or two. there comes a certain point when it’s time to say enough is enough. with me, i need help doing that.

but my first step in this process was writing a pros and cons list. i think i’ve managed to loose a bit of who i am. it began with one of those pain piercing relationships (you know the ones) and in the process of healing since then i think i’ve still stayed a little lost.

i’m just trying, today, to demystify all this stuff that goes on my head. all this layer underneath that layer underneath this layer and so on and so forth. i’m getting a bit tired of trying to figure myself out and everyone else around me and motives behind the decisions i make or want to make. i kinda just want to figure a few main things out and move on and mainly not care to the point of crippling what other people think about me, what i say, how i think, and the decisions i make. it’s really a pivotal point. i don’t think i can move on and flourish if i keep caring so much. it’s really been a stumbling block for me and i’m well, tired of it. good!

i’m tired of being timid, i’m tired of saying something that might offend someone (and no i don’t mean i want to go around being a jerk. that’s absolutely not my motive. i’m not looking to go around and ruffle a ton of  peoples precious little feathers (although i’m sure that’s hard to avoid when a person dares to be themselves and be honest with other people) i’m just a little tired of people holding back. gosh, golly gee, i want people to be honest with me. i’ll take a good ‘ol healthy rebuke and kick in the butt! i welcome it! i don’t want to stay in my ignorance and keep wallowing in my garbage or hurt someone without intention. i welcome being told i’m wrong or i’ve made a mistake or i’ve hurt someone. i’m quite tired of the lack of communication that runs rampant around me. others can choose to live that way but i don’t want to. i want to say what i mean and mean what i say. (boy do i ever have a long way to go though.)

all that to say i made up a list of pros and cons to staying here in my hometown and moving abroad to norway for one year to be an au pair. i still have no idea what the heck i’m going to do and i get a choke in my throat when i think about leaving but almost every “con” i wrote down for moving to norway was almost all fear based. fear and guilt of failing myself and others. and that i don’t like. that needs to change.

 

 

Lent

Lent is something we’ve never done in my household growing up. To be honest I never even knew what it was until a couple years ago when I heard people say “No, sorry, can’t have any chocolate. It’s what I’ve given up for lent this year.”

From what I now understand Lent is observed the six weeks leading up to Easter Sunday. It’s a time of sacrificing pleasures, praying to God, and becoming more like Christ. It’s a time where we remember Jesus’ 40 days in the wilderness being tempted by Satan (Matthew 4:1-11).

Relentless ACT:S of Sacrifice has organized a way to help you do lent farther than for just yourself. You can watch a video about what they’re doing here:

http://vimeo.com/36307018

I’m really looking forward to being a part of this. It’s a way to be challenged. It’s so easy to get into the rotation of every day life. Going to work, going to your gym class, having some social time on the weekends, and so on and so forth. I find, also, that it’s easy to get into survival mode. When you’ve been riding through a tough season in life your thoughts (ie: my thoughts become very self focused. You lose sight of the important things in life and the innate desire to help others and focus on the negative things and also the things you just need to get done, for example, work at getting out of debt.

I really liked how one of the Fine Artists explained sacrifice. He described it visually in a way that sacrifice is something that is actually a part of you that you’re giving up. It’s a piece of you that is painful to be separated from. I’ve come to notice that I’ve become demanding and hoarding of my time in a fight to “protect” me and not over extend myself. Although there is much importance in saying “no” and making sure you have time for you I think I’ve gone from one extreme to another. It’s good to have boundaries but with having boundaries I still want to live of a life that sacrifices myself for others and puts others before myself. I suppose just having the proper attitude while doing so makes a huge difference. Instead of doing something out of compulsion (which de-energizes you) we do it from a heart that’s willing and glad.

“Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” 2 Corinthians 9:7

I really appreciate and connect with the woman in the video below. I’ve only been overseas serving once and it was only a short term trip of two months. While I was there, even though there were rough spells, it really was a joy to be there and serve. It’s something that had always been on my heart to do (be overseas) but I think there is something to learn right now about being content with where I’m at and finding ways to serve here in my home town. No matter where a person is in the world there are always people in need of a hug, of time and love invested into them, money, food, etc. It takes a little more work to find those people in a middle class society because it’s a little more hidden but there’s no doubt that the need is there.

http://vimeo.com/36861308

This lent I’m looking forward to going on a journey that I hopefully will incorporate into the rest of my life. I’m definitely up for the challenge of finding out where my priorities lie and where they need to change, being taken out of my comfort zone, and hopefully knowing a bit more of the heart of God and his purposes.

If you want to sign up or learn more the website is:

http://www.worldvisionacts.org/about

Ask, Seek, Knock.

Anything is more productive than me sitting down and watching another episode of Gilmore Girls. Okay, it’s not ALL I did this weekend but mostly. I also watched the movie 50/50, did some dishes finished a Where’s Waldo puzzle Friday evening, and visited a friend. You know it’s not fair that commercials and movies and t.v. shows glamourise eating junk food! Especially these gorgeous skinny girls. I mean seriously, Lorelei and Rory Gilmore could not possibly eat the way the do AND be as thin as they are! They make it look so fun and rewarding but really it’s so much more rewarding to have a somewhat healthy dessert in small portions than pig out on a package of cookie dough, chips, pizza, and more candy. (No, I didn’t eat THAT much this weekend but I’d be lying if I said a piece of pizza and cookie dough wasn’t a part oft he equation. Boo for me, I know.)I really think there should be far more girls night portrayed with healthy snacks! Come on. It really can be just as fun! Actually MORE fun! You don’t have to worry about a stupid food hangover after the fact. It’s just the whole ideeeaaa of junk food is so magical and fun. Why is that? I guess because it’s so drilled into our heads? Even after my body has been fed healthy food and crave healthy food far more and refined sugars far less I still get a hankering from time to time for pizza or ice cream.

I could be doing something more productive than writing on here but I decided to do this while I eat some stir fry. I’ve wasted my weekend, unfortunately. I’m really down in the dumps this weekend. I don’t know what happened. A friend of mine called about hanging out next week and she could tell I was down so invited me for a visit while she cooked her protein bars to sell at the gym. I took a walk over (she only lives about a fifteen minute walk from my place) and the walk itself helped cheer me up. It was one of those walks where I wished I had a camera (haven’t felt that way in awhile!). The trees and bushes were as brittle as bones. It was so cool. Everything is ice outside. My car is covered in like, half an inch of ice. Woah. Not going to have fun cleaning that off tomorrow morning! Gotta make sure I’m up nice and early. Anyway, after coming home from my friend’s place I decided I’ve gotta do something other than being in front of a computer screen. I played the guitar. Also the first time I’ve done so in probably a year. Wow. It felt so good.
I learned this song:

It was good to keep singing the chorus over and over again.

Only you have come to find me, Only you have come to pull me out

Only you have come to save me, Only you have come to wrap your arms around me.

Save me O, God I have wandered and cannot find your hand

I am looking for you Father, but my eyes fail

I am calling to you, can you hear my cry?

The last three lines, that’s more of what I feel like. It’s so easy to live through the motions, to live a Christian life and pretend to love God and believe He’ll answer prayer and is close. I’ve been listening to lots of teachings and stuff lately been praying more than I have in awhile for other people. But to be with him alone and talk to him like I used to. Talk to him as my Father and someone who is close to me is uncomfortable.

I think there is one main thing that I want with my relationship and that’s to believe, fully understand, and revel in the power of Jesus Christ. I mean the whole basis of the Christian faith is that God gave his only son, Jesus Christ, to die for the worlds sin. But for some reason that just doesn’t compute in my brain or even my heart. Instead of reading John 3:16 – “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” and being amazed, humbled, thankful, just torn apart and wrecked by God’s love I am left with questions. No sense of awe or wonder. I mean, this is pretty huge.

I need to want to want what I need. And that is to seek God out. If I don’t seek I won’t find. Watching episode after episode of Gilmore Girls or movies is really going to add no eternal purpose to my life. Anyway, I’m just pretty bummed out.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:7-11

Hugs & Saran Wrap Fear

I gave my friend a hug today as a tangible way of saying sorry. After I hugged him I remembered how good it is to be hugged and to give hugs. I would have squeezed him harder but I think that may have been a little uncomfortable for the both of us.

I have a joyful British friend who doesn’t ever hold back her hugs! You get a hug (maybe even TWO  or THREEEEE every time you see her and every time you say goodbye. It’s amazing!) I’m thankful for people like that! They help fill peoples hug tanks significantly! Ideally I think everyone should get a hug twice or at LEAST once a day but that’s usually not even close to the case. Boo.

I also thought about how important it is to tangibly show, preferably in more ways than one, that you’re sorry or that you forgive someone. I’ve never read Gary Chapman’s book but he wrote the book The Five Love Languages and also a book called The Five Languages of Apology. I think it’s really helpful to know  how your friends and family receive love so you can pour love buckets on them. (That’s why I gave my friend a hug today-well firstly because I just felt compelled to and then I remembered that it’s his love language)

Bitterness and anger and indignation sets in so easily. I’ve found that lately this “I don’t deserve to be treated like this!” mentality has surfaced in me. Which, I know some of it has been legitimate feelings. People can act like jerks and say things as though you are this insignificant little ant that doesn’t know squat. I decided that I wasn’t going to stand for it anymore and in the meantime I had forgotten God’s grace and ultimately who HE says I am. It seems like over and over again I keep stumbling over this whole identity thing. I’ve been in these relationships where I’ve completely laid down who I am and just become this controlling, crazy, HULK of a woman! Actually, more like a little child Hulk.

Why has this been such a stumbling block for me? Why? I don’t know but I tell you I’m committed to getting over this. I’m committed to slowly walking this stuff out and not just finding out what makes me me but being okay with who that me is and that is precisely what I’ve struggled with. There’s just something going on right now and I feel a tender spot within me. (Nope, I’m not even PMSing so unfortunately I can’t blame this past week of struggles on that) I think the Lord is just trying to hone in on something. I like it when he does that I just don’t like the feeling of dangling in mid-air that often times accompanies it.

I feel like I’m done up in this saran wrap or something. I don’t really know how to describe it, you know. It’s like it’s this thin covering that’s flexible enough that I can move in it and show a bit of what’s inside but you can’t quite touch it or get close to it. There are restrictions.

There’s a quote I love but I’ve identified with it for too long:

“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anaïs Nin

Haha, there’s also this great magnet I saw at a store a few weeks ago. It said: “I’m destined for greatness I’m just pacing myself” Or something like that. Sooo funny and I can so identify. I’m sure many can.

Well, I can’t retreat. And it would be selfish of me to give up on friendships because of my insecurities. I need these friendships, the close few I have, I think I’m scared that they’ll give up on me. ‘Cause I really am a handful. Haha.

“Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life” Proverbs 4:23

I don’t think that necessarily means keep people out of your life that say stupid things. Uh, we all are jerks and are hurtful to people at some point or another. It just means that we need to guard our heart. Just ’cause people say stupid things or label you as this or that doesn’t mean it’s true. We aren’t who others say we are we’re who God says we are. We can’t control what others say or believe about us but we can control what we believe and what we meditate on and allow in.

*Don’t let the toxic lies seep into your heart and change who you are. I’ve gotta forgive whoever spoke those things, stop rehearsing it, and believe the truth and live out God’s purpose for me. Aaaaaaaaamen.

I’m getting off work early today. I just want to run, run, run. I need to burn off some energy so I’m going to spend a few hours at the gym which is something I never do. I’m usually only there for an hour, rarely two. It’s just nice to exercise sometimes. Especially when you’ve got so much going on in your mind. When you work out you just get in the zone and are so focused that every other thought just dwindles away. I usually push myself harder when I’m stressed or upset about something so this is going to be good.

On that note, I have to go find twenty lineal feet of corner stones, so toodles!

I interlocked hands with a male last night for the first time in three years.

For the first time in three years and three months I INTERLOCKED hands with a male…………a drunk forty something year old male. BOOOOOO! Gosh, I never realized how unbelievably uncomfortable it is to do that with someone who you aren’t dating and even better you don’t know and who’s about the age of your father -minus a few years. Ack. I can still feel it lingering on my left hand. Ugh. Yackity, yack! (as Grandma Corkum from Bridgewater would say.)

So to paint a bit of a picture of understanding I was at a wedding last night for a friend of mine. Ridiculously fun dance afterwards and near the end of the night the DJ got us all to circle the bride and groom and hold hands. We danced around them in a circle to “One Life” by Bob Marley. Oh man, was it ever fun. Especially after this chick came running (also drunk but a female) and placed herself in between me and this older man. Thank you, God! I let it slide because he was really drunk and a little out of it but man it felt unbelievably uncomfortable so It’s not going to happen again. Nuh uh. So hopefully the next guy I hold hands with will be a little closer to my age, sober, handsome, and completely smitten with me and I with him. Hahahaha. Oh dear.

I think there was actually something of significance I wanted to write about in this blog entry but I can’t remember anymore so I guess I’ll just talk about myself.

I have an art idea! There’s a section of ceiling in my living room that kind of juts out in a slant (don’t know how to describe it well) and it’s painted brown (the same as the trim) whereas the walls are painted this light turqoius/green/minty colour. I bought this pretty doily from one of those home decor stores I love shopping in and the colours suit the room so perfectly! It’s a pattern that’s red and orange and royal blue flowers and vines and such. It would look very cool painted on the ceiling. SO..I may just have a project to work on this coming fall. Now, I can’t very well work on this “mural” and then just get up and go now can I? (Especially because the deal with my landlord is that I will paint white over all the walls when I leave -which is very sad by the way.) So! That means I will be here for another year. I just didn’t have peace with moving to Norway…yet. I may never move there either but I’m sure I’ll be back for a visit. Hopefully before 2013 comes. It feels like I’m finally reaping a bit of the fruit of pushing through these last couple years. I’m finally more stable than I was and it’d be nice to enjoy Truro and it’s people and continue to grow here (not without travels in between!).

Travels this summer haven’t been confirmed yet but I know for sure they will include Iceland and France. I cannot wait for Iceland. I want to hike so badly. France, I’m looking forward to seeing my cousin the most but also eating the food, and visiting cafes and art museums, and hopefully finding a field of sunflowers and lavender.

I played the djembe at church today. Not a disaster but I look forward to practicing with the team more. Yep. As a result I’ve been listening to lots of Enter the Worship Circle because I love the percussion and they use lots.

Here’s a real fun, upbeat, song. I like the lyrics.

Artist Jason Skinner

So I found this guy while checking out an upcoming “Drawing the Figure through Yoga Lense” class that is in Mahone Bay on March 3rd. Um, I’m really interested in going to this class. I think I would learn much from it I just don’t know how spiritual and such it’s going to be. Will I feel out of place and awkward? I do really like the idea of this though.

Anyway!

The artist who is teaching it is Jason Skinner and included in the little class write-up was his website. He did this project where he painted 100 semi-fictional portraits of Canadians. (Pretending as though there are only 100 people living in Canada, who would they be? What would they do? Etc. He did it based on the statistics of ethnicity, religion, gender, age, etc. I found this so fascinating! I found myself smiling most of the time while reading and looking at the different portraits he did. Very neat so I thought I would share!

Here’s his website:
http://www.jasonskinner.ca/people-on-the-street.html

Oh, I’m so happy I came across this guy! His stuff makes me smile.

 

My future home!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope my hubby likes to be handy around the home! (More than that -wants to build a home!)

http://simondale.net/house/index.htm

 

 

 

I never did like the idea of a 9-5 job (Most don’t, I guess) But being around the home, gardening on my rooftop, cooking and baking, and creating art sounds good to me! Saving money and using what God gave us starting at the roots sounds pretty darn tootin’ good.

I think this is incredible!